cleaned out email...

2 days of Trivial Pursuit...

Morning of Taboo...

I took some time out of my busy schedule this week to clean out my email inbox, trash, sent and other random folders hiding cute emails I have been keeping since high school.

From my inbox, which was cleaned out before deploying, had 2 emails from 2008... A link to a TV show's free Japanese online viewing page, and a quote from "Into the Wild":

When you forgive, you love. And when you love, God's light shines on you.

Since I don't remember the lst time I saw that TV show I've obviously lost interest in it... It was an easy decision to delete. The quote though, at some point obviously peaked my interest, or I would not have emailed it to myself. At 2 a.m.

Perhaps then I knew I needed to work on forgiveness, and love. Maybe I was entranced by someone who through the whole movie doesn't come across as a Believer in God would say something like that. Either way, I've deleted the email and posted it here. It's not really gone! Just more organized in my cyber life. There if I need it.

Posts

There have been so many times that I have tried to post and either didn't have internet, or was kicked off. It's infuriating.

Camp Echo

The world is so funny sometimes.

I have been feeling bad about my life, and being in the exact same place I was 5 years ago. Okay, not stuck, jobless, living with Mom and Dad after graduating college "same place," but more spiritually and emotionally and single, distant from friends and feeling alone.

See, my brother and sister-in-law just had their first baby. I am so excited for them! I have always wanted to spoil a niece more than anything else. I have an awesome Aunt, and I want her to have one too. Not to mention, Joelle is about the cutest baby I have seen pictures of, and has the cutest little cry (Mom sent a clip to email from her cell). But all this made me get on Facebook (number one reason I hate it) and look through my good friends and see who was married, who had kids... I didn't stop my little torture there, I went on to see which acquaintances had families, or at the very least, a loved one.

Yeah, there's three of us who don't. One lives in Indiana, one in Tennessee, and one currently in Iraq, normally in Kansas, and ultimately in New York.

It's more than not having a man in my life, or children... it's knowing that I don't have a place to call my own, a place to keep my piano, a garage for my own Harley, a reason to own a washer and dryer, and the fact that I just don't have any responsibilities outside work. You may think that it's great and I should be enjoying it (and I do enjoy it), but paying an electric bill or mowing your yard really makes a person feel like she has made it to adulthood, and isn't just wasting her life.

So that's what I did while I had some free time in Iraq. We went to FOB Echo for Memorial Day Weekend. It was fantastic. I love being able to play, and I love the brass quintet I am in. We're quirky. I love our quirks. I love being a part of a ceremony that honors my fallen Comrades; I love tearing up when I didn't even know these men. And I love the traveling, and the much-needed down time. I love Echo. I just enjoy being there.

But it means I have time.

And when I have time I get down on myself. I think about all my flaws. I think about all the things in my life I regret. I think about how I've failed at so many things, let people down... How fat I am.

Thankfully something usually snaps me out of my Pity Party before too much harm is done.

Today, it was seeing an old friend's profile picture on a real friend's Facebook site. I was good friends with this girl throughout college, but when I called her to tell her I was joining the Army she laughed. Then she told her mom (they were out shopping together) and she laughed too. Well, I haven't talked to her since, and I never accepted her request to be friends on FB. I had to investigate. I knew she'd gotten married to a high school sweetheart, but couldn't believe they'd ever have kids.

They do! A little boy.

He's cute.

But man, am I ever so happy I don't have kids. And I am so happy I don't have to worry about a man leaving the toilet seat up, drooling on my 800-count $200 sheets, driving my car and leaving the gas low, making me keep dinner warm to fit into his schedule (not mine)... Gosh. I am just not cut out for marriage. And I am so happy I don't have to worry about it.

I'm so lucky!


Back to the weekend highlights:
-Uno at the Basrah Terminal (our tradition)
-waiting 13 hours at the Adder Terminal and getting to fly straight to Echo the next day (direct flights are worth a wait)
-huge room to myself at Echo, including a shower (I may have had to use a porta-potty, but a good trade-off for privacy)
-SSG Miles played Taps so well I choked up
-Playing in the DFAC ensured we had an audience for our concert, and we didn't have to make introductions
-A mechanical issue delayed our scheduled flight (including overnight stop at Adder to connect to 2nd day's flight), but allowed us to jump on a couple Blackhawks for a direct flight to Basrah

I do enjoy this job, and I am going to miss it when we aren't here anymore.

Man I am pooped.

Long days are starting to wear us all down over here... Which I guess is good in a way, we are keeping busy and that makes the time go by.

I tried to cam with my dad yesterday, it was our second attempt. I saw him for about a minute, then everything froze and I was booted offline. The quality was so bad he looked like a ghost. We still don't have the sound bugs worked out. It was really exciting to be able to see him, or to know that he was on the other side of the computer screen somewhere.

I spent the evening shooting a long bow at a dog. With the Basrah Bow Club. It's really different than what I remember from high school. And the same. Maybe it's just the right way now, and high school wasn't the right way, or I remember wrong. I know Kelsey Hanno and Amy Gehen were in my gym class though. And I liked it. I liked it today too.

Had a horrible jambalaya for dinner. I am fairly certain it came from a package of frozen foods and was just reheated. Anyway, I'm ready for a trip to Louisiana for some good food. Mmm.

Pants

Over the weekend The Cantigny Brass went to Ali Base for a TOA/Change of Command ceremony for the Air Force. We sat outside. We played well. It was less than an hour. There was cake. It was good. I think there are definitely some perks to being in the Air Force, but I'm pretty proud of the Army, especially the 1st ID Band.

Except my pants... That part of the weekend didn't go so well, and I am not too proud of them. My flap ripped off, you know, the re-enforced part on the tush. The thread-bear section by my back pocket finally ripped through too. At least we were seated and I didn't have to look like a ragamuffin.

I've had my fill of pizza for awhile too.

I can't wait to get on a Blackhawk and drop 100 feet without warning again. If I end up in the reserves, I think I am going to look into that as an MOS change... Or not. It might take all the novelty out if I do it as a job, like ceremonies in the bandfield.

I am happy to report my smaller towel and travel toiletry bags and Bug-Out backpack were perfect. If only they'd let Chief out more often, and for longer periods of time.

Yankees are up 2-0. Good time for bed. :)

Easter at Echo

Emily and I went out to have fun taking pictures at Camp Echo. Since there wasn't a third party to capture both of us in one picture with objects of interest, we used the split screen setting. :) It kinda made it more fun.

Just so you know, Up In The Air isn't a good movie.

This Week...

I watched 10 episodes of What Not To Wear.

I turned in 30 pounds of laundry.

I bought 2 pairs of footwear.

I got a quilt in the mail.

I drank 6 chocolate soymilks.

I spent 1 1/2 hours in a Chinook.

I became a fan of Spiderman.

I laughed a lot.

I took 44 pictures.

I decided first impressions are usually ultimately correct.

I took 10 showers.

I finished 13 Sudoku puzzles.

I played 10 rounds of Uno.

I won once.

I asked for lots of advice.

I cut my fingernails.

I ran 6 miles.

I joined the Basrah Bow Club.

And it's only Wednesday... I'm just kidding. It is Wednesday, but I'm counting back a week.

In just a couple hours it's going to be April. Time is going by faster than I imagined. I think right now I want it that way. It's good to be busy and it's good for time to go by. It's also good for that time to be enjoyed.

My favorite thing over here is being able to travel. I get to get away from all the craziness (and constant Wii), and do some of the things I wanted to do for a living 5 years ago when I signed a contract. Things like playing for Iraqis and "adding a touch of class" to yet another boring ceremony and making a normally tone-deaf Chaplain smile because there's real music at his service. I know what I do isn't terribly "entertaining to troops" like the rock bands, and I am okay with that, so I am really thankful when I am able to contribute musically over here.

And after 10 episodes of getting to watch women have $5,000 shopping sprees to spruce up their wardrobes, I'm contemplating taking a week-long shopping trip to NY and Boston with Mama LLama and Mama Bee and Baby Bee when I get home. I'm kinda thinking I'll care more about getting non-pink Baby clothes and perfect wash-and-go Mommy clothes and skinny Grandma clothes than Aunt Bethany clothes.

Purple

I haven't got much to say, other than I am really happy and having fun. The stuff we get to experience is awesome. I can tell I am growing as a person. Always a tough and rewarding and exciting time. It's a process. Be patient with me.

It's getting warmer.

Food is becoming a problem. It doesn't taste good. So I keep eating and never feel satisfied. I am looking forward to cooking again. Very much. Dinner is my least favorite meal. It's always the same. Just looking worse and worse each time it's served. And it's okay... I'M NOT COMPLAINING! I'm just stating a fact that I love cooking and I miss my food.

I got my purple running shoes to match my purple PT belt. Trying to remain fashion-conscious while in the dessert...

i have about 3 minutes left of computer time tonight. i just wanted to let everyone know i am okay, a little sick of dust, a little sick of ACU everything, and a little sick of air. um, being in the air, as opposed to being on the ground. things are going well though. april is almost here and that means i am one month closer to being home again... meeting my niece! not feeling ready for life after the army, but feeling that time is coming, and soon. i'm a little worried about finding a job out there.

i highly recommend sarah palin's book. listened to it on audiobook.

My New Name

The interpreters had a hard time learning my name last week... and remembering it, and pronouncing it. So they gave me an Arabic name. Amany. (Ah-mahn-ee) It means hopes. Dreams. Desires. Kind of a beautiful concept actually. There's a song about a young couple in love, they told me the story. He sings about the Amany for the future. It doesn't work out. He dies. Amany were lost.

I learned how to write it out in Arabic too. And the rest of their characters, so I can read and write it. But... I don't know how to translate it. So it doesn't make sense. Greek was easier. I have 10 more months so I should learn more than the 5 or 6 words/phrases I know now. "Picture." "Open your eyes." "Good morning." "Thank you." "Good." "Hopes."

Guys overe here don't ask for phone numbers. They ask for Facebook accounts. Is that what this world is coming to? I don't mind giving it out though, I mean, I rarely get on Facebook so giving them my name to look me up seems pretty safe. Ha ha. It will be a month before I can add the guys as friends, and by then they have forgotten who I am. Although, the COB isn't very big and I am sure I will run into all these men asking for my Facebook...

Our past and our regrets never leave us, do they? Always there hauting us, when we're happiest or when they are the furthest thing from us. I guess they are always connected to us. I mean, they are things in our past. They're a part of our lifes. Had to have become a part of our lives for a reason. Only natural to be reminded of them from time to time.

You know, I don't really even like Facebook.

"Defat"

Sunday night. I am back at the USO. It has been awhile... Too long.

I am doing good! I've been able to move into the CHU completely, even got some boxes from home. Last night I set up a lamp so I don't have to use my book light to get ready in the mornings anymore. It doesn't feel like home (let's face it, my bed linens here aren't from Pottery Barn and the furniture isn't from Ethan Allen), but I can change in privacy and sleep a few hours each night. That's really all I need.

My mom sent me an email asking about the "defat," asking how often do I get to eat there, what do they serve, is the food any good... Well, that is one of the things I can talk about so I'll tell ya'll all about it. And actually, I'm gonna start calling it that because the portions they give us are so huge I think it'll be impossible to NOT get fat!

I eat at the DFAC (dining facility) usually three times a day. Breakfast is the best, besides Wednesday and Saturday nights when Greg and I get dessert. :) It's the best because I am always SO hungry! There is a grill where you can get eggs made to order, including regular and egg white omlets. They have scrambled eggs with and without cheese, but they don't taste like or look like eggs. There are boiled eggs, cereal, oatmeal, grits (which I have started to get twice a week), turkey and pig sausage, turkey and pig bacon, biscuits, gravy... And the fruit! I like the green grapes when they have then, because they are seedless (and I personally believe if we have the technology we shouldn't have to pick around seeds in fruit anymore and refuse to eat fruit with seeds). The kiwi are fantastic, the pineapple is usually ripe, the bananas are just green enough for me, the apples acceptable. There is leftover dessert from the night before out for us too. And the donuts are there, but too sweet. The pink donut in Kuwait was the best and I don't even eat them anymore because they just don't compare. I try to opt for the oatmeal. Oatmeal and turkey sausage. Or the egg white omlet with tomato and peppers and a little bit of cheese. The one thing I look forward to every morning is the chocolate soy milk. Oh, it's fantastic!

Lunch. There's hot lunch and there's the sandwiches. I like the sandwich bar. I love the egg salad. It reminds me of college. And the tuna is okay. Simetimes I go to the healthy bar and get rice and beans though. They have salad and fruit always. But I don't care for any of the salad dressings they have. I use a packet of pepper and some parmesan cheese. Eh. Nothing to write home about... unless, of course, you are in Basrah and haven't got much else to say, and home asks.

The evening meal is much the same as lunch. There is a specialty bar, sandwich bar, healthy bar, short order cook guy behind a grill with cheesesteak and burgers, main line and the fried food section. Specialty bar has things like tacos, curry, wings, pizza, pasta... different days have different foods. The healthy bar has rice or pasta, chicken and fish or eggplant, sometimes beans. Where there are beans I get them. Not because I love beans that much, I'd just like to stay as veggie as possible. The food is okay. Veggies are overcooked, potatoes are salty, chicken is dry, eggplant is soggy, lobster is rubbery... Oh yeah. Fridays are surf and turf. They have steak and lobster and crab legs and breaded/fried scallops and sometimes shrimp. They have a dessert bar with cakes, not-so-good cookies, pumpkin pie, pecan pie, cheesecake and ice creams every night. Like I said, I get it twice a week. They have this chocolatey cheesecakey thing. I look forward to it all day. I don't always enjoy dinner (or lunch for the matter), but I do always find something to eat. A rubbery lobster tail is still a lobster after all.

I really miss cooking. Really miss it.

The first thing I want to make when I get back home is crawfish etouffee. Mmm.

Been Awhile

So I'm volunteering at the USO...

Which means I haven't had a chance to make new entries in the blog for awhile. The computers at work allow us on email, but not Facebook (so I am calling in quits on that) and not Blogger. It's fine because I really don't have much to say... "opsec."

The whole band is here now. Emily and I are in our CHU. We work long hours. I'm tired by the end of the day. Actually, I tired in the morning before the day even starts. I just stay tired. I'm not sure if that'll ever change. There's not much privacy and we can't be alone (always have to have a battle buddy). But things are going well. I'm adjusting. Having some fun.

I am looking forward to getting a real pillow once everyone is out of the tents.

Basra

I haven't posted since arriving in Iraq for a couple reasons...

I don't know what to say.

There are so many things I want to tell everyone. At the same time I don't want to talk about it at all. I don't want anyone to be worried. I'm not worried about some things. I don't want to think about it. It's all I can think about. I want to be able to believe I can handle this by myself. I don't know if that's possible though.

This is not what I expected.

Apparently we are at war. I know we are. Of course I knew that. But the reality is sinking in. It takes time to process.

I don't want to make it sound like life is hopeless.

Life isn't hopeless. I have friends. People love me. I love them. At 7:40 this morning a friend told me, "You are not defective." That helped me so much! Working out -- running especially -- helps too.

Now I'm wondering if Coach makes ballistic sunglasses.

first hot day

today is our first hot day. :) i'm pretty excited about it, though it did make the mrap stuffy and the walk across the camp uncomfortable. this is what i expected. now if it would stay this warm and not get warmer. ha ha...

we've officially finished our training in kuwait. we're just waiting to be moved to iraq now. hopefully sometime tonight or tomorrow, and not tuesday. the anticipation of iraq and not belonging and living out of bags and sleeping on a cot is starting to ware (wear?) on me. not just me... i think we're all ready to get to real beds and chus and get settled.

yesterday we went to the range and shot 10 rounds at paper. today we had some briefings and did met training. today i also swapped out patrol caps. here, that is important and noteworthy. you may not think so, but it really made things more comfortable for me. it's the little things.

there haven't been any more pink donuts at the chow hall. and emily and i found dfac #2 and decided we didn't like it. it may be a little closer to our tents, but the longer walk to dfac #1 is worth it. the uso is busy in the evenings -- too busy. we stopped last night after dinner and there was an hour and a half wait on the phones. we just walked around looking for more flushable toilets.

well, i'm going to go call mama llama. i haven't be able to talk to her since topeka and i really want to talk to her!

Day 2 of doing nothing in Kuwait.

I think this is funny...

We get 30 minutes of free internet at the USO. The guy next to me is playing Farmville.

Not emailing his wife, IMing his parents, posting on friends' sites, or updating his status, but spending his 30 minutes in contact with the world outside Buehring harvisting wheat. Virtual wheat.

Last night was pretty rough. I don't relish the idea of living in a giant tent with 40 females, but I wasn't expecting to not be able to sleep! There was always someone moving around, whispering and stomping to the door. I'm thinking tonight I'll keep my light on an just read. Maybe I can finish Hunt for Red October. It was really annoying.

And it was chilly.

So Top and SFC Phillips left for Basra last night. We saw them at our evening formation (they left a few days before us). They looked fantastic! All of us that got here yesterday are haggard and pale from the traveling. Apparently we should be able to acclimate and be happy in just a couple days.

We're doing nothing again today, but we should be going to the range tomorrow. At least something. :)

Bangor Chowder

I'm in Kuwait. At a USO. I've had a hot shower. And a hot meal (though 7 hours ago). I took a nap - laying down. I'd say things are going well. :)

We left Monday evening. We had a layover in Bangor, Maine. I had forgotten how much I actually like Maine. Not just because the plane and crowded and we needed a break... Maine is cool. The famous Greeters greeted us. I called Dad's cell, Mom's cell and the home phone. Finally talked with Dad a minute. The pilot suggested the lobster roll, but I really wanted New England clam chowder. They were out. I had a Diet Pepsi with Emi and Greg. I also had Greg's fries.

Then we went to Germany. I was tired. I don't know what day that even was.

Finally we arrived in Kuwait, waited around. Bussed to the base, inprocessing briefed and ate. I had the yummiest donut. I wish I had taken a picture. It was filled with a delightful strawberry cream filling and topped with pink strawberry flakes. The cottage cheese was bad. Everything else was adequate. The donut really made my day though. More than showers and cots to sleep on. Yummy donut.

My address will be:
Van Duzer, Bethany J.
Band Co., 1 ID, Unit #117
APO, AE 09374

I think...