The world is so funny sometimes.
I have been feeling bad about my life, and being in the exact same place I was 5 years ago. Okay, not stuck, jobless, living with Mom and Dad after graduating college "same place," but more spiritually and emotionally and single, distant from friends and feeling alone.
See, my brother and sister-in-law just had their first baby. I am so excited for them! I have always wanted to spoil a niece more than anything else. I have an awesome Aunt, and I want her to have one too. Not to mention, Joelle is about the cutest baby I have seen pictures of, and has the cutest little cry (Mom sent a clip to email from her cell). But all this made me get on Facebook (number one reason I hate it) and look through my good friends and see who was married, who had kids... I didn't stop my little torture there, I went on to see which acquaintances had families, or at the very least, a loved one.
Yeah, there's three of us who don't. One lives in Indiana, one in Tennessee, and one currently in Iraq, normally in Kansas, and ultimately in New York.
It's more than not having a man in my life, or children... it's knowing that I don't have a place to call my own, a place to keep my piano, a garage for my own Harley, a reason to own a washer and dryer, and the fact that I just don't have any responsibilities outside work. You may think that it's great and I should be enjoying it (and I do enjoy it), but paying an electric bill or mowing your yard really makes a person feel like she has made it to adulthood, and isn't just wasting her life.
So that's what I did while I had some free time in Iraq. We went to FOB Echo for Memorial Day Weekend. It was fantastic. I love being able to play, and I love the brass quintet I am in. We're quirky. I love our quirks. I love being a part of a ceremony that honors my fallen Comrades; I love tearing up when I didn't even know these men. And I love the traveling, and the much-needed down time. I love Echo. I just enjoy being there.
But it means I have time.
And when I have time I get down on myself. I think about all my flaws. I think about all the things in my life I regret. I think about how I've failed at so many things, let people down... How fat I am.
Thankfully something usually snaps me out of my Pity Party before too much harm is done.
Today, it was seeing an old friend's profile picture on a real friend's Facebook site. I was good friends with this girl throughout college, but when I called her to tell her I was joining the Army she laughed. Then she told her mom (they were out shopping together) and she laughed too. Well, I haven't talked to her since, and I never accepted her request to be friends on FB. I had to investigate. I knew she'd gotten married to a high school sweetheart, but couldn't believe they'd ever have kids.
They do! A little boy.
He's cute.
But man, am I ever so happy I don't have kids. And I am so happy I don't have to worry about a man leaving the toilet seat up, drooling on my 800-count $200 sheets, driving my car and leaving the gas low, making me keep dinner warm to fit into his schedule (not mine)... Gosh. I am just not cut out for marriage. And I am so happy I don't have to worry about it.
I'm so lucky!
Back to the weekend highlights:
-Uno at the Basrah Terminal (our tradition)
-waiting 13 hours at the Adder Terminal and getting to fly straight to Echo the next day (direct flights are worth a wait)
-huge room to myself at Echo, including a shower (I may have had to use a porta-potty, but a good trade-off for privacy)
-SSG Miles played Taps so well I choked up
-Playing in the DFAC ensured we had an audience for our concert, and we didn't have to make introductions
-A mechanical issue delayed our scheduled flight (including overnight stop at Adder to connect to 2nd day's flight), but allowed us to jump on a couple Blackhawks for a direct flight to Basrah
I do enjoy this job, and I am going to miss it when we aren't here anymore.
